Senator briefly passes away during news conference, rallies to finish speech

By Will Tallman

United States Senator Yam Cornish, aged 97, appeared to briefly lose his life while addressing the media last Wednesday. The temporary lapse in mortality occurred when Cornish responded to a question regarding the nation’s budget deficit. As the Senator opened his mouth to respond, he appeared to close his eyes before leaning back in a relaxed manner, with his mouth slightly ajar, leaving the amassed media on the edge of their seats in appreciation for such a dramatic build up. However, the Senator’s response never came. Cornish was declared legally dead at 6:11 P.M., approximately nine minutes after the beginning of the press conference. He was escorted off the podium by several of his aides and an unidentified janitor, who declined to comment on the incident.

However, the assembled spectators were left flabbergasted when Cornish shuffled back to the podium, visibly startling several attendees with his pale and gaunt face. When asked if he was experiencing health complications, the prehistoric statesman assured reporters that he was "completely healthy" and had simply "died momentarily." Cornish, who some in the media have now dubbed the “Louisiana Lazarus,” concluded the press conference with a strong statement of intent, proclaiming that he will “defend the integrity of our nation until [his] dying breath…and hell, probably after it, too, if [he has] anything to do with it.” New York Times reporter-at-large Lash Juper commented that Senator Cornish “literally looks like a zombie…I mean, you technically ARE a zombie. Seriously, Senator…I mean, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this is incredibly disturbing. You are clearly too old to fulfill the requirements of your position. Like, dude, politics aside, I just watched you die on live television. To be quite honest, I’ll be letting my therapist know that we can forget about mom for a little while.”

In the aftermath of Cornish’s apparent death and resurrection, some in the media have concurred with Juper that this latest incident (Cornish fractured a C1 vertebrae while negotiating a doorknob last June) only further proves that term-limits must be imposed on members of the Senate. Despite any merit these claims may hold, it appears that these truly geriatric creatures will continue to serve our country together with the literal un-dead until laws are changed – which is unlikely, considering that these decrepit methuselahs are the ones who make them.

In other news, the mental competency of 126-year-old Congressman Kennesaw Mountain Landis Earl Smith was called into question during a recent hearing. Rival lawmakers commented on what appeared to be puppet-like strings attached to his arms from the ceiling, as well as a foul stench emanating from the politician’s body. Reluctant to surrender control over the house vote, Landis Earl Smith’s fellow party members insisted that he is “absolutely, currently existing on the mortal plain,” and that to suggest otherwise is an “outright disgrace to the American people.” Despite his own party members’ refusal to sit close to him (and those that did chose to cover their faces with a handkerchief with a distressed look in their eyes, making occasional retching noises), they made it clear that they stand in solidarity with this former/current party member and human being/zombie.